Leaning on My Beloved

This morning, I had an intense time with God. This phrase was being sung in the Kansas City Prayer Room Web stream, "i know the end of the story. I come up from the wilderness, leaning on my Beloved". I was at my desk working while this was being sung in the background. God's spirit came over me and I got up and jumped has high as I could, raised my hands as high as I could and began to worship. God's joy was all over me. Laughter, tears and energy filled my spirit as I became undignified. I'm sure I looked like a fool, but I didn't care. It was all for God and I didn't look like a fool to him, but to him, I was a child who was dancing before his father. Funny enough, i stayed away from dancing near my wall mirror. Even I don't want to see my boobs and belly shimmy along with my jumping. That's a little too much for me. :) Anyhoo, these past five years have been filled with trials and the wilderness can be seen on every side. Just when I think I was coming out of it, another trial would hit, that would keep me in the desert. I would have small victories along the way, but the overall battle was still raging and no end was in site. As I write this, there is still no end in sight, but it is all about perspective and who you are fighting with and who is doing the most fighting. For awhile I was so concentrated on the battle that I lost focus and momentum because the battle was discouraging and draining. I put all my energy into trying to stay strong with my own strength. I have learnt that you can only get through a battle full of trials by getting into God's presence. I concluded that I need to lay down my own weapons and pick up the weapon of prayer and intimacy. I started to accept that my battle cannot be fought with weapons against flesh and blood, but spiritual weapons to engage in spiritual warfare. This too can be draining, but I am telling you that one of the fuels to perserverance in the battle is joy in the trial. We can all put on a smile and say that we are happy in the trial, but that is powerless and can only get you a few miles down the road. That kind of joy never lasts only to betray you and leave your in despair again. The joy that I experienced this morning in my office is the joy that others and even I can't understand why I have it. How can I have joy in the midst of so much death and heartbreak? How can I? Why, because I know my God promises that I WILL COME OUT OF THE WILDERNESS LEANING ON HIM. You see victory for all I know will be tomorrow. Restoration could be next week. Redemption could be this weekend. Whenver it comes, I am sure of this, it is coming. That is why joy is in my heart and I have found rejoicing in suffering is the most fullfilling rejoicing there can be. Tomorrow maybe the promised land or it maybe not, but one thing I am sure of, is; it is coming!!

It's Gonna Be Worth it

I have heard this song hundreds of times and watch our students perform to it alteast fifty times, but the words especially the verse really speak to me at this time. Enjoy

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
I believe this

Calling My Bluff

Let me take you back 13 years ago, where two people in love got married and wanted to start a family only to find out that infertility would plague them for atleast the next 12 years. After seeing 13 year olds get pregnant and parents neglect and abandon their babies, we didn't understand why God would not give us our own children. Through the course of time, we adopted two girls and after losing two babies we had a son of our own. Four miscarriages and 9 lost babies later we are still crying out for more children. On a side note, we will see Caleb, Ian, Icy, Peace, Rainn, and Judah in heaven; mommy and daddy will be there soon. In every miscarriage we have learned how to trust God more and how to approach trials and tragedy the way God want us too. These last two babies were our last embryos and in a way our last chance to get pregnant through invitro fertilization. We had gone through loss so many times before and we had let God love and teach us and accept his decision. This time we were going to stand in faith and do whatever it took to see these boys in our arms. We prayed, we fasted, we declared and made our faith public. Also, others rallied around us and prayed in the middle of the night and sacrificially stood with us. We were sure, that no man, no work of the enemy would take these boys from us because we pleaded the blood of Jesus over them and soaked them with prayer. Off to vegas we went and the embryos were implanted. Excitement started to rise and a few days later we found out Andrea was pregnant. Yay!!! God. This is it this time. God is going to reward our perseverance and faith. Only 4 days until we see our first ultrasound and then Monday night happened. Andrea was fighting for her life on the bathroom floor due to an excessive amount of blood loss. We held our little baby in our hands and we knew Andrea had miscarried. I called 911 because Andrea was fighting for her life. The ambulance rushed her to the hospital and got fluids in her and got her stable. They confirmed the miscarriage and we were both stunned, confused. We felt deceived, betrayed and most of all ashamed to show our faces to the ones we declared our faith too. How could God not only let us down, but let those down who have rallied around us and contended in prayer for our babies. What had just happened. Why God Why. We were in a place of darkness, sorrow, and despair. We were at a crossroads. It would of been so easy, just to curse God and say we will do the rest of our life on our own. It would of been so easy to deny God and give up totally on following him anymore. Like I said, that would of been the easy route!! I can't do that though. I have come to far with God to throw it all away. I have been through so many mountain tops and valleys to give up on him now. Faith is not faith unless it is tested. I am once again reminded of Job. He was so worse off than me. He lost his farm, house, his children, and his health, plus his wife was not a support and told him to curse God and die. Even his friends weren't encouragers but accusers. What did Job say to all this. "Though he (God) slay me, I will still put my hope in him. All Job wanted was a conversation with God so He could talk to him and find out what is going on. I think that is an acceptable request. Job finally got his conversation and Job presented his case to God. God responded. Instead of answering Job's pleas or explaining to Job why all the pain, God got indignant. God said who are you Job to question me. Were you there when I made the earth. God continued for several chapters to explain to Job who God is and who Job is. Not once did God explain anything to Job about his situation. After God's response, you would of think Job would of thrown in the towel and cursed God and die. Just like me, God has not given me an explaination for any of my lossed babies. Job responded how I want to respond and will respond. "Surely, I spoke of things to wonderful for me, things i did not understand". In that one sentence, Job surrendered to God's sovereignty and trusted that through it all God's goodness will be shown even if at the time it looks unapprenhendable. This is what God has spoken to me. I have no clue why Andrea and I must go through all this pain and loss. Like David, I cry out to God to remove our shame and defeat the enemy (Satan) and give us retribution or restoration. I know he will, I know he will. He will remove our shame and he will restore and he will reward our faith. James tells us that in the midst of trials we are to ask for wisdom and God will give it freely to us. So in the midst of the trial God will give me wisdom. Those of you who prayed, please don't feel betrayed, because God is going to reward all of our prayers. God will not share his glory with anyone in this world and especially not Satan. He will get his glory, all of it, and we will see the goodness of the Lord. I pray and sing all the time, Lord whatever you have to do to get me close to you, do it. Test me, try me, prove me, refine, me. If it takes putting me over the flame, then do it. It is so easy to sing or pray that when everything is good, but what happens when God puts us over the fire to refine us, to test us. God heard my prayer for intimacy and so he called my bluff. Ok, marc, I will test you, I will try you, lets see how you do. Isn't that what happened between God and Satan. Satan told God the only reason Job serves you is because you have blessed him so much. Satan said, take your blessing off him, and let me have at him. God was so confident in Job's faith, that he didn't even hesitate to allow Satan to have his way. The only rule was Satan could not kill Job. I want God to say that about me when he converses with Satan. Have you considered my servant Marc. Do what you want Satan, don't kill him, but I know Marc will stay true to me because he is my faithful one and He is a man after my own heart. I want to have the mantra like Paul, to know Jesus not just in His ressurection but in his sufferings too. I am only three days removed from another loss, but I feel like I know God now more than ever. I don't need any explaination from him. I just give him my allegiance and my surrender, and I trust him. Intimacy comes when you persevere through a trial and don't question or get mad at God but draw closer to Him. Lord I love you. You are such a good God. You are not done yet and I will see restoration in the land of the living

Be Patient With Me

Vegas is 3 weeks removed from us, and as of a week ago, Andrea is pregnant. We had three embryos left (one in Chicago, two in Vegas). They shipped the one in Chicago ("ICY" our pet name) to Vegas, but sadly ICY did not make the thaw so they put two in. After 3 beta tests the doctor confirmed that it is a strong single pregnancy and not twins. 4 years ago, we lost twins at seventeen weeks. I will never forget holding my boys (Caleb and Ian) in my arms and seeing their lifeless bodies and the feeling of despair and brokeness was so strong. Since then, I have continually prayed that God will restore my twins. We have had Aiden since and several miscarriages. Aiden is a miracle and my love for him is so overwhelming and he is constantly on my mind and I love saying "he is my son". In the joy of having Aiden, I still feel like restoration is not complete. I want my twins!!!! Satan took Caleb and Ian away from me, and I will not let Him win. I want God to restore my twin boys to me. I want to slap the devil in the face and tell him, you are weak, look what God has done. YOU WILL NEVER WIN. Andrea and I have been praying, fasting for these boys (Daniel and Micah). In 1 Kings 19, I am so grateful for seeing a great prophet of God, Elijah, have a moment of weakness in faith. You see, I have been battling the past three weeks in one day having total confidence and then the next day doubting. Elijah had total confidence in God to send fire from heaven to prove to the prophets of Baal that there is only one true God. God answered Elijah's prayer of faith and fire fell from heaven. In the same day, Elijah heard that Jezebel made a vow that in the next 24 hours, she will have Elijah's head. Elijah went from extreme faith to a cowering lamb. He went and hid and asked God to kill him. Twice God gave him food to eat and told him to get up and twice Elijah said no. You would think God would say, whatever, and leave him there to die, but God was patient with Elijah's moment of weak faith. I am so thankful that in the moments I have weak faith, God doesn't shout at me or condemen me, but he is patient with me. He slowly and gently strengthening my confidence in him until I am back on my feet again declaring the goodness of God. This is why I can write this today and declare Daniel and Micah will be in my arms next spring. Why, because with compassion and grace, God is birthing and growing in me confidence in Him and faith for the future. I am done with bad reports of illness and death. I am going to believe in the report of the Lord. The doctor may have said one baby, but God is a God who restores and I will see the goodness and restoration of God on this earth. No doubts, no maybes, no "if it is your will God", and no more bad news. I serve a good God who wants to give good gifts to me. This Friday is Christmas Day!!! Let the unwrapping begin!!!

I Stand

Promises I am standing on for Daniel and Micah (transferred yesterday, August 26th, 2010 at 3:30pm in Las Vegas at the Sher Institute)

Psalm 128:3- Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your sons will be like olive shoots
around your table.

Psalm 127:3-5- Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
... when they contend with their enemies in the gate

Psalm 125:4- Do good, O LORD, to those who are good,
to those who are upright in heart

Psalm 130:5- I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

LORD, GIVE US THESE BOYS. MAY THEY IMPLANT AND BE HEALTHY AND GO TO FULL TERM. SHOW YOUR GOODNESS TO US IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING. SATAN, YOU CAN NO LONGER HAVE OUR BABIES!!! THEY BELONG TO THE LORD AND I SPEAK FORTH LIFE IN JESUS NAME

Help My Unbelief

God,

I want to believe. I want to to have rock solid faith. I want to stand on your promises. Like the father of the demonic child; Please Lord, help my unbelief. Give me the faith to believe for our three babies being transferred in Vegas this week. Give me the faith to believe with my wife that they are sons and all three of them will live and not die. Lord, I so want to believe, but it is such a battle. So much heartache, and empty, painful caverns in my heart. I hide them so well with a facade, but inside my faith is weak in this area. In the natural, after so many losses, my automatic response is to protect my heart and don't let myself be vulnerable again. I don't want to operate in the natural; it is only filled with mediocrity and brokeness. I want to operate in the spiritual where you are asking me to believe and not waver. I don't want to doubt, because I know your word says I won't receive anything from the Lord. Like a broken record, I know that by protecting mine and Andrea's heart from pain again, I am tying your hands and your provision in my life. Believe me God, I don't want to do that. Give me the faith to stand firm this week and in the weeks to come. Give me the faith to believe that our three babies are sons and I will hold them nine months from now. God, I want to hold them. God, I want to look in their eyes and see you saying back to me; these three blessings are because of your faith. Give me the faith to stand firm when Andrea has weak moments in her faith. Lord I want to believe. Lord I really want to believe. Please, please, please Lord, help my unbelief.

My Prayer From Psalm 112

Praise you Lord!!! Blessing is mine when I fear you. Let me find great delight in your commands. My children will be mighty in their time when I fear and follow you with all my heart. You will bless their generation too if they stay upright and fear you. Lord, help me to be the upright example they need for me to be, so they can follow me, like I follow Christ. Let righteousness reign in my house, so you will pour out blessings and riches for me and my family. Even in the dark times of our family; when financial trials and hard times come our way, the light that lives in us will gain victory. You will bring us through, when I remain gracious, compassionate, and righteous. You will do good to me even in financial struggles as long as remain generous and lend freely. I want to be a just man, and conduct all my affairs with justice and integrity. When I remain upright, I know I can't be shaken and my name will be remembered forever. Bad news won't scare me because my heart is steady in You. My heart is secure in you and I will have no fear. Victory is mine when I remain steadfast. The enemny will not triumph over me.