Emotional Shutdown

Well the journey begins again. We are pregnant. As exciting as that is, it is human nature to relive the past experience of being pregnant. It is natural to be more anxious, to be more careful, to doubt, to worry about every little twitch or pain, or to wonder if the baby is still alive. Isn't it amazing how Satan works. Even though God has given us a promise it seems that Satan shouts questions louder than God shouts answers. Although I don't vocalize it enough or express it on my face, I am so connected to Aiden Jeremiah (our coming son). There is something about this gift that God has given us that seems different than our twins. Maybe it is now I understand the frailty of life or maybe it is because this is definitely a hand picked child by God for our family. You don't know how bad I want to hold him, to kiss him, to finally smell that newborn baby smell. I suppress these feelings alot, because the more emotionally I get involved the deeper the pain if another baby is lost again. I don't talk about how I feel about this baby or how excited I am because of the fear of opening up my heart to pain. I can't describe to you the anguish and pain in my soul that began when I heard those words: You are going to lose your boys. After I found out we were pregnant again, it is amazing, but without thinking, I shut my emotions off and said subconsciously that I am not gonna get hurt again. God is showing me now, that is not how he wants me to live. Either we trust God and believe in his promises or we don't. By me shutting my emotions out and putting up a wall, I am saying that I doubt you God and I am not going to let you hurt me again. On the other end, if I express how I feel and swim in my emotional makeup, I am then saying that God I trust you and your promises and they will be fulfilled in my life. God wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but I wonder if he holds back sometimes because we hold back in trusting him and we doubt. The Bible says in James that when we waver in our faith and doubt God our prayers won't be answered. Wow, wakeup call, maybe our prayers are answered not based on God's ability (because we know he can answer them) but on the level, strength, and consistency of our faith. God from now on, I am praying in faith. I am 100 percent in when it comes to believing in your promises and I will not give up until I see them fulfilled. There you go devil, put that in your pipe and smoke it!!!