Don't Blink, Life Changes

Wow, since i have posted on this blog, my life has become a whirlwind. 2 more toddlers later and my house has become a zoo. With constant noise, activity, poop, pee, slop, and chaos; lets just say I have lost grasp of the norm. Never a dull moment, laughs and cries, shouts and screams, running, jumping, hitting, expressions of joy, and moments of temper tantrums. This has now become my abode since we have become foster parents to Dominic and alycsia. My wife is constantly running around to therapy appointments, visits, and social/case worker meetings. Our lives have become governed by a calendar and every detail of our life is now scheduled. Then, on top of that, we are making a big effort to keep Megan, Allison and Aiden involved and the opportunities to pursue their own hobbies and meet their needs too. I know this sounds crazy, tiring, and draining, and it all is, but I love it all. All of the before mentioned brings total fulfillment to my life to know that God has entrusted us with other people's kids for a time to love and show his love. It is a huge responsibility and the weight of it all has caused me to totally lean on God's strength and his love. I am guessing that is part of his plan too. I don't know exactly what God is doing in all of this, but I know that I am in his will and in his will is the best place to be. Thank you God for your favor and blessing. Make me the husband and father you want me to be

Psalm 128

Composed out of Psalm 128,

Lord, I am blessed when I fear and obey you. Lord I am blessed when I walk in your ways and follow your precepts. You will bless my work and abundance and riches will be mine because you give me favor in the workplace. You have promised true happiness when I walk with you. My wife will be fruitul and everything she does within the home will be properous and successful. My child will live long lifes and produce fruit that is pleasing to you. You have promised me long life and I will see my children's children when I commit my way to you. Peace and prosperity are ine because you have favored me and my family

Leaning on My Beloved

This morning, I had an intense time with God. This phrase was being sung in the Kansas City Prayer Room Web stream, "i know the end of the story. I come up from the wilderness, leaning on my Beloved". I was at my desk working while this was being sung in the background. God's spirit came over me and I got up and jumped has high as I could, raised my hands as high as I could and began to worship. God's joy was all over me. Laughter, tears and energy filled my spirit as I became undignified. I'm sure I looked like a fool, but I didn't care. It was all for God and I didn't look like a fool to him, but to him, I was a child who was dancing before his father. Funny enough, i stayed away from dancing near my wall mirror. Even I don't want to see my boobs and belly shimmy along with my jumping. That's a little too much for me. :) Anyhoo, these past five years have been filled with trials and the wilderness can be seen on every side. Just when I think I was coming out of it, another trial would hit, that would keep me in the desert. I would have small victories along the way, but the overall battle was still raging and no end was in site. As I write this, there is still no end in sight, but it is all about perspective and who you are fighting with and who is doing the most fighting. For awhile I was so concentrated on the battle that I lost focus and momentum because the battle was discouraging and draining. I put all my energy into trying to stay strong with my own strength. I have learnt that you can only get through a battle full of trials by getting into God's presence. I concluded that I need to lay down my own weapons and pick up the weapon of prayer and intimacy. I started to accept that my battle cannot be fought with weapons against flesh and blood, but spiritual weapons to engage in spiritual warfare. This too can be draining, but I am telling you that one of the fuels to perserverance in the battle is joy in the trial. We can all put on a smile and say that we are happy in the trial, but that is powerless and can only get you a few miles down the road. That kind of joy never lasts only to betray you and leave your in despair again. The joy that I experienced this morning in my office is the joy that others and even I can't understand why I have it. How can I have joy in the midst of so much death and heartbreak? How can I? Why, because I know my God promises that I WILL COME OUT OF THE WILDERNESS LEANING ON HIM. You see victory for all I know will be tomorrow. Restoration could be next week. Redemption could be this weekend. Whenver it comes, I am sure of this, it is coming. That is why joy is in my heart and I have found rejoicing in suffering is the most fullfilling rejoicing there can be. Tomorrow maybe the promised land or it maybe not, but one thing I am sure of, is; it is coming!!

It's Gonna Be Worth it

I have heard this song hundreds of times and watch our students perform to it alteast fifty times, but the words especially the verse really speak to me at this time. Enjoy

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
I believe this

Calling My Bluff

Let me take you back 13 years ago, where two people in love got married and wanted to start a family only to find out that infertility would plague them for atleast the next 12 years. After seeing 13 year olds get pregnant and parents neglect and abandon their babies, we didn't understand why God would not give us our own children. Through the course of time, we adopted two girls and after losing two babies we had a son of our own. Four miscarriages and 9 lost babies later we are still crying out for more children. On a side note, we will see Caleb, Ian, Icy, Peace, Rainn, and Judah in heaven; mommy and daddy will be there soon. In every miscarriage we have learned how to trust God more and how to approach trials and tragedy the way God want us too. These last two babies were our last embryos and in a way our last chance to get pregnant through invitro fertilization. We had gone through loss so many times before and we had let God love and teach us and accept his decision. This time we were going to stand in faith and do whatever it took to see these boys in our arms. We prayed, we fasted, we declared and made our faith public. Also, others rallied around us and prayed in the middle of the night and sacrificially stood with us. We were sure, that no man, no work of the enemy would take these boys from us because we pleaded the blood of Jesus over them and soaked them with prayer. Off to vegas we went and the embryos were implanted. Excitement started to rise and a few days later we found out Andrea was pregnant. Yay!!! God. This is it this time. God is going to reward our perseverance and faith. Only 4 days until we see our first ultrasound and then Monday night happened. Andrea was fighting for her life on the bathroom floor due to an excessive amount of blood loss. We held our little baby in our hands and we knew Andrea had miscarried. I called 911 because Andrea was fighting for her life. The ambulance rushed her to the hospital and got fluids in her and got her stable. They confirmed the miscarriage and we were both stunned, confused. We felt deceived, betrayed and most of all ashamed to show our faces to the ones we declared our faith too. How could God not only let us down, but let those down who have rallied around us and contended in prayer for our babies. What had just happened. Why God Why. We were in a place of darkness, sorrow, and despair. We were at a crossroads. It would of been so easy, just to curse God and say we will do the rest of our life on our own. It would of been so easy to deny God and give up totally on following him anymore. Like I said, that would of been the easy route!! I can't do that though. I have come to far with God to throw it all away. I have been through so many mountain tops and valleys to give up on him now. Faith is not faith unless it is tested. I am once again reminded of Job. He was so worse off than me. He lost his farm, house, his children, and his health, plus his wife was not a support and told him to curse God and die. Even his friends weren't encouragers but accusers. What did Job say to all this. "Though he (God) slay me, I will still put my hope in him. All Job wanted was a conversation with God so He could talk to him and find out what is going on. I think that is an acceptable request. Job finally got his conversation and Job presented his case to God. God responded. Instead of answering Job's pleas or explaining to Job why all the pain, God got indignant. God said who are you Job to question me. Were you there when I made the earth. God continued for several chapters to explain to Job who God is and who Job is. Not once did God explain anything to Job about his situation. After God's response, you would of think Job would of thrown in the towel and cursed God and die. Just like me, God has not given me an explaination for any of my lossed babies. Job responded how I want to respond and will respond. "Surely, I spoke of things to wonderful for me, things i did not understand". In that one sentence, Job surrendered to God's sovereignty and trusted that through it all God's goodness will be shown even if at the time it looks unapprenhendable. This is what God has spoken to me. I have no clue why Andrea and I must go through all this pain and loss. Like David, I cry out to God to remove our shame and defeat the enemy (Satan) and give us retribution or restoration. I know he will, I know he will. He will remove our shame and he will restore and he will reward our faith. James tells us that in the midst of trials we are to ask for wisdom and God will give it freely to us. So in the midst of the trial God will give me wisdom. Those of you who prayed, please don't feel betrayed, because God is going to reward all of our prayers. God will not share his glory with anyone in this world and especially not Satan. He will get his glory, all of it, and we will see the goodness of the Lord. I pray and sing all the time, Lord whatever you have to do to get me close to you, do it. Test me, try me, prove me, refine, me. If it takes putting me over the flame, then do it. It is so easy to sing or pray that when everything is good, but what happens when God puts us over the fire to refine us, to test us. God heard my prayer for intimacy and so he called my bluff. Ok, marc, I will test you, I will try you, lets see how you do. Isn't that what happened between God and Satan. Satan told God the only reason Job serves you is because you have blessed him so much. Satan said, take your blessing off him, and let me have at him. God was so confident in Job's faith, that he didn't even hesitate to allow Satan to have his way. The only rule was Satan could not kill Job. I want God to say that about me when he converses with Satan. Have you considered my servant Marc. Do what you want Satan, don't kill him, but I know Marc will stay true to me because he is my faithful one and He is a man after my own heart. I want to have the mantra like Paul, to know Jesus not just in His ressurection but in his sufferings too. I am only three days removed from another loss, but I feel like I know God now more than ever. I don't need any explaination from him. I just give him my allegiance and my surrender, and I trust him. Intimacy comes when you persevere through a trial and don't question or get mad at God but draw closer to Him. Lord I love you. You are such a good God. You are not done yet and I will see restoration in the land of the living

Be Patient With Me

Vegas is 3 weeks removed from us, and as of a week ago, Andrea is pregnant. We had three embryos left (one in Chicago, two in Vegas). They shipped the one in Chicago ("ICY" our pet name) to Vegas, but sadly ICY did not make the thaw so they put two in. After 3 beta tests the doctor confirmed that it is a strong single pregnancy and not twins. 4 years ago, we lost twins at seventeen weeks. I will never forget holding my boys (Caleb and Ian) in my arms and seeing their lifeless bodies and the feeling of despair and brokeness was so strong. Since then, I have continually prayed that God will restore my twins. We have had Aiden since and several miscarriages. Aiden is a miracle and my love for him is so overwhelming and he is constantly on my mind and I love saying "he is my son". In the joy of having Aiden, I still feel like restoration is not complete. I want my twins!!!! Satan took Caleb and Ian away from me, and I will not let Him win. I want God to restore my twin boys to me. I want to slap the devil in the face and tell him, you are weak, look what God has done. YOU WILL NEVER WIN. Andrea and I have been praying, fasting for these boys (Daniel and Micah). In 1 Kings 19, I am so grateful for seeing a great prophet of God, Elijah, have a moment of weakness in faith. You see, I have been battling the past three weeks in one day having total confidence and then the next day doubting. Elijah had total confidence in God to send fire from heaven to prove to the prophets of Baal that there is only one true God. God answered Elijah's prayer of faith and fire fell from heaven. In the same day, Elijah heard that Jezebel made a vow that in the next 24 hours, she will have Elijah's head. Elijah went from extreme faith to a cowering lamb. He went and hid and asked God to kill him. Twice God gave him food to eat and told him to get up and twice Elijah said no. You would think God would say, whatever, and leave him there to die, but God was patient with Elijah's moment of weak faith. I am so thankful that in the moments I have weak faith, God doesn't shout at me or condemen me, but he is patient with me. He slowly and gently strengthening my confidence in him until I am back on my feet again declaring the goodness of God. This is why I can write this today and declare Daniel and Micah will be in my arms next spring. Why, because with compassion and grace, God is birthing and growing in me confidence in Him and faith for the future. I am done with bad reports of illness and death. I am going to believe in the report of the Lord. The doctor may have said one baby, but God is a God who restores and I will see the goodness and restoration of God on this earth. No doubts, no maybes, no "if it is your will God", and no more bad news. I serve a good God who wants to give good gifts to me. This Friday is Christmas Day!!! Let the unwrapping begin!!!

I Stand

Promises I am standing on for Daniel and Micah (transferred yesterday, August 26th, 2010 at 3:30pm in Las Vegas at the Sher Institute)

Psalm 128:3- Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your sons will be like olive shoots
around your table.

Psalm 127:3-5- Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
... when they contend with their enemies in the gate

Psalm 125:4- Do good, O LORD, to those who are good,
to those who are upright in heart

Psalm 130:5- I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

LORD, GIVE US THESE BOYS. MAY THEY IMPLANT AND BE HEALTHY AND GO TO FULL TERM. SHOW YOUR GOODNESS TO US IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING. SATAN, YOU CAN NO LONGER HAVE OUR BABIES!!! THEY BELONG TO THE LORD AND I SPEAK FORTH LIFE IN JESUS NAME

Help My Unbelief

God,

I want to believe. I want to to have rock solid faith. I want to stand on your promises. Like the father of the demonic child; Please Lord, help my unbelief. Give me the faith to believe for our three babies being transferred in Vegas this week. Give me the faith to believe with my wife that they are sons and all three of them will live and not die. Lord, I so want to believe, but it is such a battle. So much heartache, and empty, painful caverns in my heart. I hide them so well with a facade, but inside my faith is weak in this area. In the natural, after so many losses, my automatic response is to protect my heart and don't let myself be vulnerable again. I don't want to operate in the natural; it is only filled with mediocrity and brokeness. I want to operate in the spiritual where you are asking me to believe and not waver. I don't want to doubt, because I know your word says I won't receive anything from the Lord. Like a broken record, I know that by protecting mine and Andrea's heart from pain again, I am tying your hands and your provision in my life. Believe me God, I don't want to do that. Give me the faith to stand firm this week and in the weeks to come. Give me the faith to believe that our three babies are sons and I will hold them nine months from now. God, I want to hold them. God, I want to look in their eyes and see you saying back to me; these three blessings are because of your faith. Give me the faith to stand firm when Andrea has weak moments in her faith. Lord I want to believe. Lord I really want to believe. Please, please, please Lord, help my unbelief.

My Prayer From Psalm 112

Praise you Lord!!! Blessing is mine when I fear you. Let me find great delight in your commands. My children will be mighty in their time when I fear and follow you with all my heart. You will bless their generation too if they stay upright and fear you. Lord, help me to be the upright example they need for me to be, so they can follow me, like I follow Christ. Let righteousness reign in my house, so you will pour out blessings and riches for me and my family. Even in the dark times of our family; when financial trials and hard times come our way, the light that lives in us will gain victory. You will bring us through, when I remain gracious, compassionate, and righteous. You will do good to me even in financial struggles as long as remain generous and lend freely. I want to be a just man, and conduct all my affairs with justice and integrity. When I remain upright, I know I can't be shaken and my name will be remembered forever. Bad news won't scare me because my heart is steady in You. My heart is secure in you and I will have no fear. Victory is mine when I remain steadfast. The enemny will not triumph over me.

Valley of Baca

Psalm 84:5-7 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca,they make it a place of springs. the autumn rains also cover it with pools.They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion

My Prayer today: Lord, help me to keep my strength in you. Lord blessing comes when I purposely seek you as the strength of my life. Blessing comes to me when I turn away from things that offer false strength and temporary pleasure. You are the only strength of my heart. Lord, I am on a journey, a pilgrimmage to find you. I have set my heart to find you and not to turn to the right or left but to keep focused on you and totally surrendered to your will. Lord, I know on this journey, you will take me to valleys that are full of weeping, sorrow, and despair (Baca). Father, I understand that I go through these valleys so you can test me, prove me, and refine me into who you are molding me to be. These valleys are ironically valleys of springs and pools of refreshing because though on the outside I might be wasting away, the spirit man on the inside is becoming mature, strengthened, and steadfast. Through every valley, every mountain, and all the inbetweens; these are all leading to the day I will see you face to face. God, thank you for the valleys of baca; you are the potter and I am the clay.

The Jesus of the American Church: False Advertising

The Jesus of the American Church: False Advertising from Marc Smith on Vimeo.

Lacking Nothing

Psalm 34:9,10: "Fear the Lord, you his saints. For those who fear him, lack nothing. Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing"

When you look at this verse face value, it gives the impression that if you fear the lord, you will have everything you want in this life and every good thing will be yours. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!!! Here is the catch; you have to fear the lord. If you look further down in the psalm, you will see the definition of fearing the Lord. It is keeping your tongue from evil, and lies, obeying Gods commandmants, turn from evil and do good, pursue God. The past few years God has been ravishing my heart with the true fear of God. As I have started to pursue and fear God with a more poignant passion and zeal, God has been re directing my desires and wants. I used to love to get the latest gadget, the big tv with the most sports channels, the newer car, and the list goes on. As I have let my self be drowned in God's presence, I have lost a taste for the things that this world offers. Not that the list mentioned previously are bad things, but when we start to pursue God our heart needs and wants take a different flavor. My wish list is not items anymore. My wish list is now wisdom, discernment, unlimited affection and love for God, power to pray and see miracles, intimacy with Christ, a hunger for prayer and God's word, being a bold witness, and the list goes on. This is the original intention of this passage in Psalm 34. When you fear the Lord, your desires change. The lacking nothing and having good things are not things of this world, but it goes deeper in that to answer the cries and hunger pangs of our spirit. Kill my flesh cries God to have the things of this world and answer the groans of my Spirit to have more of you.

When God is Silent

These are things I see in Moses life:

A man of timidity but a man of power
A man who had a temper, but a man with a passion for God
A man of excuses, but a man who stood firm in opposition
A man of stumbling words, but a man whose words could change God's mind

and lastly, and what I want to focus on,

A mere man, but he spoke to God face to face


Read the life of Moses, and count how many times Moses went to inquire of God, and God would answer him with an audible voice.

This makes me so jealous of Moses because whenever Moses needed an answer, God spoke up. For me, I start to search my own heart and ask God these questions:

Am i not listening hard enough?
Am i not spending enough time with you?
Am i not recognizing which voice is yours?

After all these questions, self-condemnation comes in and says that I am not good enough to hear God's voice. Why would he choose me. Then I look into moses' life. He was a murderer, a man of a bad temper, a coward. After I see this, I know God can talk to anyone. Man, I want that audible voice, but I have realized in my life that God doesn't always talk like that and then sometimes God seems to be silent. For me, I need direction for my family, direction for the children that God wants us to take care of or adopt through foster care. Andrea and I need direction when to use our last embryos in vegas. We also need direction for Alli and homeschooling. There are so many coals in the fire right now that we need direction for. In all these areas, God has not spoken up. We are searching but He is silent. Does this mean that he does not care, or God is busy. I can say with all confidence that God does care and he is not to busy for His children. Then why is He silent. I was reading in my devotions this morning and this verse popped out

Psalm 18:25,26- To the faithful, he shows himself faithful, to the blameless, he is blameless, and to the pure, he shows himself pure". Then God spoke to me. HE said, you concentrate on being faithful where you are at now, concentrate on a blamless walk, and keeping your ways pure. If you do this, I will in perfect timing give you direction and answer those questions. I think the key here, is that we trust God even when he silent to answer knowing that he will reveal what he has for us when he wants and how he wants. I have to trust God, that he knows how to give good gifts and when to give them. If it was up to my timing, I would mess everything up thinking that what I was doing was the best way. I will trust you God and don't rush anything just because I am impatient. In your time Lord, in your time

Babies do more than poop

Psalm 8:2- "from the lips of children and infants You have ordained praise"

I have been praying that God would fill aiden (our 2 year old) with the holy spirit.(like John the Baptist in Elizabeth's womb). 2 months ago we were on vacation in florida and we went to a church that flows in the prophetic and is hugely spirit led. It was awesome because Aiden was running around in the back of the sanctuary and it was no big deal because everyone was worshipping.(side note: i love churches like that where adults, kids, and infants are all worshipping together and screams, cries, running, doesn't bother anyone.) Well as he was running around I was praying over him with the same passion that I did when he was a newborn and i took him into the prayer room at IHOP in KC. As I was praying, I turned around and Aiden had propped himself up on a chair with his hands facing to heaven at his waist and he had his eyes closed and he was mumbling an unknown language. The spirit was so heavy on him. It lasted about 15 seconds and it was done, but God showed me that these babies/kids are powerful and God's spirit is all over them. Hannah, after Samuel was weaned, took him to the temple to live there, day and night. I want Aiden to call the house of the Lord his home, the place where he spends the most time. I want him to run in the presence of God. I want him to laugh, cry, giggle, shout in the presence of God. I want him to bang on the drums, make noises in the mics, play bad notes on the piano. Most of this would be annoying in a church service, but not to me, I see this as practicing worshipping Jesus. God says he is the one who had ordained this praise out of these babies. God just says to make a joyful noise and when these babies run, shout, giggle, laugh; these are all joyful noises to God.

The Problem About Asking For a Sign

We all want to know the perfect will for our lives. We all want to hear direct revelation about what God wants us to do, what is coming up, where he wants us to go and so on. Most of us, especially me, want a sign from God before I will move. Sometimes for me it is not enough to have a peace in my heart or sense God's leading. Lately I have been praying for direction in my life. Direction about foster care, direction to go to vegas and get pregnant again, and direction for other things. I have sensed some peace and direction in some of these areas but my prayers have been permeated with pleas for God to give me a direct sign, somewhat like a fleece like Gideon asked for. This morning, I was once again asking for a sign of direction and confirmation in my life when God directed me to a passage in John 20:27-29. Jesus is talking to Thomas and he says, "stop doubting and believe". "you have seen me thomas but blessed are those who believe and have not seen. All of a sudden God spoke to my spirit; are you going to just trust me and follow my gentle nudges or do you need a sign which will weaken your faith and my blessing in your life. WOW!!!! God does give us signs, but how much more blessing and stronger faith is reserved for us when we just learn to trust and not expect sign after sign. Jesus said to the crowd while he was on the earth. You want sign after sign, but these people still did not believe because they were the ones shouting crucify him and deserted him. Also in the Bible, God says that it is a wicked generation that always needs signs. God I want to trust you and not belittle your power in my life by always asking for a sign. Help me to trust you, and rather than asking for signs, learn how to recoqnize your voice and listen when you are speaking. My focus should be not looking for a sign but intimacy with Jesus to the point where I know when he is speaking and I know his voice

I Will See Your Goodness

Though news comes that causes tears
I will still see your goodness God
Though circumstances leave me confused
I will once again see your goodness God
When sadness becomes a close friend
I will see your goodness again God
When there are more questions than answers
I will see your goodness God
When my faith is shaken
I will soon see your goodness God
When you are silent
I will see your goodness God
When I am broken and lay motionless
I know I will see your goodness again
When my tears cloud my vision
I will see your goodness
When the testing seems overwhelming
I will see your goodness soon
God, through trials, testings, and tragedies I still know you are a good God
You will never leave me or forsake me and I will see your goodness again

God's Secrets

Psalm 25:14- the secrets of the Lord are with those who fear him.

Man, I want to know God's secrets. What is He thinking? What is He feeling? What is He up to? The key to the secrets of God is to have a healthy fear of him. I think we have moved to far away from teaching how to fear God. Believe me, I am so glad for God's grace and mercy that is extended to me everytime I fall away from him or make a bonehead move. That same grace is extended to everyone of us and whenever we need it. The key is here, is what Paul talks about in Romans; taking advantage of grace. I remember growing up, I wouldn't do certain things, not because I didn't want to, but because I was scared of the punishment or consequences from my parents. Because I had a healthy fear of my parents, I was protected from a lot of problems or difficult times. Now think of God in that light. When was the last time you refrained from sin because of the punishment or consequences from God. God is forgiving and a giver of grace, but there are consequences to our actions and the Bible says that God disciplines us because he loves us. There needs to be a fear of God that causes us to refrain from sin because we have a holy fear or "dread" of the consequences that God will hand down. Check out these scriptures

Jer 32:40- I will put My fear in their hearts so that they will not depart from Me.

Ps 86:11- Unite my heart to fear YOur name

Isa 11:3- His delight is in the fear of the Lord

Is 8:13- The Lord....you shall hallow; let HIm be your fear, and let Him be your dread

Countless times, God would strike, smite, or sicken people because of their sinful,selfish choices. He did this to discipline them, but in the long run to turn them back to Him. God is not a "grace candyman"; handing out grace over and over again for the same rebellion with no consequences. God forgives us, but He will do whatever it takes to make sure that we don't repeat the same folly. We are forgiven to change. We are given grace to develop a holy fear. God, please help me to fear you to the point where I refrain from worldly pleasures so I won't fall on your discipline. When I truly have a healthy fear of God that leads me to a consistent,faithful Christian walk, then God will show me HIs secrets