If I Stand

Another song by the late, great Rich Mullins that is so relative to me right now

"If I Stand"

There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the giver
Of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

Hold Me Jesus

I am a big Rich Mullins fan. His lyrics seem to resound with my Spirit everytime I sing them or hear them. This song, "Hold Me Jesus" is a reflection of my heart right now

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

Meaningless

Do you ever feel like you are stuck in a routine? Do you ever feel like you repeat cycles in your life over and over again never really getting anywhere. Do you ever feel like it's groundhog day everyday. I feel like that sometimes. You know I have all these dreams, desires, aspirations that I want to attain, but I feel like I am no closer now than 10 years ago. This morning I had a light bulb moment, or a "duh" moment. I always evaluate my success on what I do, my job, my ministry. If I don't have the big crowd, or the amazing altar call, or the spiritual victories with students, then I am a failure and God must hang his head in disappointment. To be transparent here, I've always wanted the huge ministry, the accolades of being an influential leader. I've wanted my peers to look at me and go, WOW!. When re-visiting this again, I see that God doesn't want that for me, because it would create a sense of pride in my life. God has a way of humbling me through my ministry. He wants me to take my attention of my ministry and put it on my personal relationship with him. It is natural for a man to judge his success by his job. God's affection or approval is not governed by my job, but simply,by just being me! Until I get this concept, I will continue to go in circles until I learn it. The things that God wants me to make priority in my life is my relationship with Him, my family, and then everything else falls behind those two. Now, I don't neglect my family ever, but I tend to neglect my relationship with God based on whether my ministry is succeeding or not. If I don't have a good youth service, or I am losing students, then I take that has disapproval by God and my personal relationship with Him suffers. I need to understand that my ministry(church) life has nothing to do with how God thinks of me. He loves me the same no matter what is going on in my church life. His litmus test is my love for him and my love for my family. I struggle with this so much, because it is so hard for me to see my life as a success if it is not judged by what I do. God, help me to see how much you love me and approve of me because I am your child not because of what I supposedly do for you in so called ministry. Lord, help me not to waver in my relationship with you because I had a small crowd on Wed night. I need your strength, I need a fresh touch of your Holy Spirit, I need the genuine YOU! Lord you know what my hunger is, my deep soul desires. God, you know what I want to see, what I want to be a part of. Help me to be faithful and obedient where I am right now!