It's Gonna Be Worth it

I have heard this song hundreds of times and watch our students perform to it alteast fifty times, but the words especially the verse really speak to me at this time. Enjoy

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
I believe this

Calling My Bluff

Let me take you back 13 years ago, where two people in love got married and wanted to start a family only to find out that infertility would plague them for atleast the next 12 years. After seeing 13 year olds get pregnant and parents neglect and abandon their babies, we didn't understand why God would not give us our own children. Through the course of time, we adopted two girls and after losing two babies we had a son of our own. Four miscarriages and 9 lost babies later we are still crying out for more children. On a side note, we will see Caleb, Ian, Icy, Peace, Rainn, and Judah in heaven; mommy and daddy will be there soon. In every miscarriage we have learned how to trust God more and how to approach trials and tragedy the way God want us too. These last two babies were our last embryos and in a way our last chance to get pregnant through invitro fertilization. We had gone through loss so many times before and we had let God love and teach us and accept his decision. This time we were going to stand in faith and do whatever it took to see these boys in our arms. We prayed, we fasted, we declared and made our faith public. Also, others rallied around us and prayed in the middle of the night and sacrificially stood with us. We were sure, that no man, no work of the enemy would take these boys from us because we pleaded the blood of Jesus over them and soaked them with prayer. Off to vegas we went and the embryos were implanted. Excitement started to rise and a few days later we found out Andrea was pregnant. Yay!!! God. This is it this time. God is going to reward our perseverance and faith. Only 4 days until we see our first ultrasound and then Monday night happened. Andrea was fighting for her life on the bathroom floor due to an excessive amount of blood loss. We held our little baby in our hands and we knew Andrea had miscarried. I called 911 because Andrea was fighting for her life. The ambulance rushed her to the hospital and got fluids in her and got her stable. They confirmed the miscarriage and we were both stunned, confused. We felt deceived, betrayed and most of all ashamed to show our faces to the ones we declared our faith too. How could God not only let us down, but let those down who have rallied around us and contended in prayer for our babies. What had just happened. Why God Why. We were in a place of darkness, sorrow, and despair. We were at a crossroads. It would of been so easy, just to curse God and say we will do the rest of our life on our own. It would of been so easy to deny God and give up totally on following him anymore. Like I said, that would of been the easy route!! I can't do that though. I have come to far with God to throw it all away. I have been through so many mountain tops and valleys to give up on him now. Faith is not faith unless it is tested. I am once again reminded of Job. He was so worse off than me. He lost his farm, house, his children, and his health, plus his wife was not a support and told him to curse God and die. Even his friends weren't encouragers but accusers. What did Job say to all this. "Though he (God) slay me, I will still put my hope in him. All Job wanted was a conversation with God so He could talk to him and find out what is going on. I think that is an acceptable request. Job finally got his conversation and Job presented his case to God. God responded. Instead of answering Job's pleas or explaining to Job why all the pain, God got indignant. God said who are you Job to question me. Were you there when I made the earth. God continued for several chapters to explain to Job who God is and who Job is. Not once did God explain anything to Job about his situation. After God's response, you would of think Job would of thrown in the towel and cursed God and die. Just like me, God has not given me an explaination for any of my lossed babies. Job responded how I want to respond and will respond. "Surely, I spoke of things to wonderful for me, things i did not understand". In that one sentence, Job surrendered to God's sovereignty and trusted that through it all God's goodness will be shown even if at the time it looks unapprenhendable. This is what God has spoken to me. I have no clue why Andrea and I must go through all this pain and loss. Like David, I cry out to God to remove our shame and defeat the enemy (Satan) and give us retribution or restoration. I know he will, I know he will. He will remove our shame and he will restore and he will reward our faith. James tells us that in the midst of trials we are to ask for wisdom and God will give it freely to us. So in the midst of the trial God will give me wisdom. Those of you who prayed, please don't feel betrayed, because God is going to reward all of our prayers. God will not share his glory with anyone in this world and especially not Satan. He will get his glory, all of it, and we will see the goodness of the Lord. I pray and sing all the time, Lord whatever you have to do to get me close to you, do it. Test me, try me, prove me, refine, me. If it takes putting me over the flame, then do it. It is so easy to sing or pray that when everything is good, but what happens when God puts us over the fire to refine us, to test us. God heard my prayer for intimacy and so he called my bluff. Ok, marc, I will test you, I will try you, lets see how you do. Isn't that what happened between God and Satan. Satan told God the only reason Job serves you is because you have blessed him so much. Satan said, take your blessing off him, and let me have at him. God was so confident in Job's faith, that he didn't even hesitate to allow Satan to have his way. The only rule was Satan could not kill Job. I want God to say that about me when he converses with Satan. Have you considered my servant Marc. Do what you want Satan, don't kill him, but I know Marc will stay true to me because he is my faithful one and He is a man after my own heart. I want to have the mantra like Paul, to know Jesus not just in His ressurection but in his sufferings too. I am only three days removed from another loss, but I feel like I know God now more than ever. I don't need any explaination from him. I just give him my allegiance and my surrender, and I trust him. Intimacy comes when you persevere through a trial and don't question or get mad at God but draw closer to Him. Lord I love you. You are such a good God. You are not done yet and I will see restoration in the land of the living

Be Patient With Me

Vegas is 3 weeks removed from us, and as of a week ago, Andrea is pregnant. We had three embryos left (one in Chicago, two in Vegas). They shipped the one in Chicago ("ICY" our pet name) to Vegas, but sadly ICY did not make the thaw so they put two in. After 3 beta tests the doctor confirmed that it is a strong single pregnancy and not twins. 4 years ago, we lost twins at seventeen weeks. I will never forget holding my boys (Caleb and Ian) in my arms and seeing their lifeless bodies and the feeling of despair and brokeness was so strong. Since then, I have continually prayed that God will restore my twins. We have had Aiden since and several miscarriages. Aiden is a miracle and my love for him is so overwhelming and he is constantly on my mind and I love saying "he is my son". In the joy of having Aiden, I still feel like restoration is not complete. I want my twins!!!! Satan took Caleb and Ian away from me, and I will not let Him win. I want God to restore my twin boys to me. I want to slap the devil in the face and tell him, you are weak, look what God has done. YOU WILL NEVER WIN. Andrea and I have been praying, fasting for these boys (Daniel and Micah). In 1 Kings 19, I am so grateful for seeing a great prophet of God, Elijah, have a moment of weakness in faith. You see, I have been battling the past three weeks in one day having total confidence and then the next day doubting. Elijah had total confidence in God to send fire from heaven to prove to the prophets of Baal that there is only one true God. God answered Elijah's prayer of faith and fire fell from heaven. In the same day, Elijah heard that Jezebel made a vow that in the next 24 hours, she will have Elijah's head. Elijah went from extreme faith to a cowering lamb. He went and hid and asked God to kill him. Twice God gave him food to eat and told him to get up and twice Elijah said no. You would think God would say, whatever, and leave him there to die, but God was patient with Elijah's moment of weak faith. I am so thankful that in the moments I have weak faith, God doesn't shout at me or condemen me, but he is patient with me. He slowly and gently strengthening my confidence in him until I am back on my feet again declaring the goodness of God. This is why I can write this today and declare Daniel and Micah will be in my arms next spring. Why, because with compassion and grace, God is birthing and growing in me confidence in Him and faith for the future. I am done with bad reports of illness and death. I am going to believe in the report of the Lord. The doctor may have said one baby, but God is a God who restores and I will see the goodness and restoration of God on this earth. No doubts, no maybes, no "if it is your will God", and no more bad news. I serve a good God who wants to give good gifts to me. This Friday is Christmas Day!!! Let the unwrapping begin!!!