Hold Me Jesus

I am a big Rich Mullins fan. His lyrics seem to resound with my Spirit everytime I sing them or hear them. This song, "Hold Me Jesus" is a reflection of my heart right now

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

Meaningless

Do you ever feel like you are stuck in a routine? Do you ever feel like you repeat cycles in your life over and over again never really getting anywhere. Do you ever feel like it's groundhog day everyday. I feel like that sometimes. You know I have all these dreams, desires, aspirations that I want to attain, but I feel like I am no closer now than 10 years ago. This morning I had a light bulb moment, or a "duh" moment. I always evaluate my success on what I do, my job, my ministry. If I don't have the big crowd, or the amazing altar call, or the spiritual victories with students, then I am a failure and God must hang his head in disappointment. To be transparent here, I've always wanted the huge ministry, the accolades of being an influential leader. I've wanted my peers to look at me and go, WOW!. When re-visiting this again, I see that God doesn't want that for me, because it would create a sense of pride in my life. God has a way of humbling me through my ministry. He wants me to take my attention of my ministry and put it on my personal relationship with him. It is natural for a man to judge his success by his job. God's affection or approval is not governed by my job, but simply,by just being me! Until I get this concept, I will continue to go in circles until I learn it. The things that God wants me to make priority in my life is my relationship with Him, my family, and then everything else falls behind those two. Now, I don't neglect my family ever, but I tend to neglect my relationship with God based on whether my ministry is succeeding or not. If I don't have a good youth service, or I am losing students, then I take that has disapproval by God and my personal relationship with Him suffers. I need to understand that my ministry(church) life has nothing to do with how God thinks of me. He loves me the same no matter what is going on in my church life. His litmus test is my love for him and my love for my family. I struggle with this so much, because it is so hard for me to see my life as a success if it is not judged by what I do. God, help me to see how much you love me and approve of me because I am your child not because of what I supposedly do for you in so called ministry. Lord, help me not to waver in my relationship with you because I had a small crowd on Wed night. I need your strength, I need a fresh touch of your Holy Spirit, I need the genuine YOU! Lord you know what my hunger is, my deep soul desires. God, you know what I want to see, what I want to be a part of. Help me to be faithful and obedient where I am right now!

The Struggle

Why do old habits always find away of creeping back into your life. Just when you think you have overcome them, they find a way to frustrate you once again. Paul described this when he said "i know what I should do but I don't do it" All I know is that living a holy life is a constant daily battle. If I ever think that I have won the battle and I put away my armor is when I am setting myself up again for another blow to the head. Thank-you God that you don't count my shortcomings, but you extend your hand of grace and mercy once again. My heart yearns for God and my soul seeks to be holy as He is holy, but sometimes my old man wins. "I am a new creation, the old is gone, and the new has come". God, help me to live that mantra every day of my life. I need you, because your strength is perfect when mine is gone. You will carry me, when I can't carry on. I am made perfect in weakness. I admit my inadequacy and I cry out, make me holy, make me pure, I don't want to become weary in the fight

Heritage

This weekend my family and i drove a total of 14 hours in the car to Tennessee and then back home. We only got to spend two days in Tennessee but it was well worth it. My grandparents from England were visiting my parents in Tennessee. We spent thanksgiving together which in itself is funny because we are all British celebrating an American holiday. Anyhoo, I am amazed at the spiritual heritage I have in my grandparents. They are still married and for some 80 years, they are still faithfully serving the Lord. As I said my goodbyes to them on Saturday they whispered in my ear that God has me in his hands and has great things for me. Now from most people, I would of said thank-you and moved on without giving second thought to what they said but from my grandparents this held more weight. You see, they have consistently served God for many years. They have gone through the trials, shared in joys,and cried in painful times. They have seen the provision of God and they have learned how to wait on him. They have proved God over and over again and knew that his promises are yes and amen. When they gently said those words to me, I knew that they weren't just making small talk or exchanging pleasantries, they were speaking from the conviction in their heart. Through 80 years God has been faithful to them and they had the utmost confidence that he would be faithful to me. Wow, there are no words to compare with a long life faithful to God. Too many times we ignore those older than us, or pass them by without even conceiving how much they can pour into our lives. I think the older generation, who are passing the spiritual baton, have nuggets of truth for us, if we will only glean from them. Thank-you heroes who have served God wholeheartedly for many years. Because of you, I am raising my family to serve the Lord. Thank-you for my spiritual heritage

Emotional Shutdown

Well the journey begins again. We are pregnant. As exciting as that is, it is human nature to relive the past experience of being pregnant. It is natural to be more anxious, to be more careful, to doubt, to worry about every little twitch or pain, or to wonder if the baby is still alive. Isn't it amazing how Satan works. Even though God has given us a promise it seems that Satan shouts questions louder than God shouts answers. Although I don't vocalize it enough or express it on my face, I am so connected to Aiden Jeremiah (our coming son). There is something about this gift that God has given us that seems different than our twins. Maybe it is now I understand the frailty of life or maybe it is because this is definitely a hand picked child by God for our family. You don't know how bad I want to hold him, to kiss him, to finally smell that newborn baby smell. I suppress these feelings alot, because the more emotionally I get involved the deeper the pain if another baby is lost again. I don't talk about how I feel about this baby or how excited I am because of the fear of opening up my heart to pain. I can't describe to you the anguish and pain in my soul that began when I heard those words: You are going to lose your boys. After I found out we were pregnant again, it is amazing, but without thinking, I shut my emotions off and said subconsciously that I am not gonna get hurt again. God is showing me now, that is not how he wants me to live. Either we trust God and believe in his promises or we don't. By me shutting my emotions out and putting up a wall, I am saying that I doubt you God and I am not going to let you hurt me again. On the other end, if I express how I feel and swim in my emotional makeup, I am then saying that God I trust you and your promises and they will be fulfilled in my life. God wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but I wonder if he holds back sometimes because we hold back in trusting him and we doubt. The Bible says in James that when we waver in our faith and doubt God our prayers won't be answered. Wow, wakeup call, maybe our prayers are answered not based on God's ability (because we know he can answer them) but on the level, strength, and consistency of our faith. God from now on, I am praying in faith. I am 100 percent in when it comes to believing in your promises and I will not give up until I see them fulfilled. There you go devil, put that in your pipe and smoke it!!!

Standing on Grace

This past week I have neglected God's Word and my prayer time with him. It was not that I have a beef to pick with God or I am mad at him, but I let discouragement slip into my life from circumstances around me. Instead of fixing my eyes on Jesus and letting the things around me grow dim, I gazed on my circumstances and became discouraged and lethargic. I know his presence brings refreshing and renewal, but it seemed like my surroundings had a hold on me. It is in times like these I love the lyrics of a wonderful Rich Mullins song. "If I stand, let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through, and if I can't let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you". There are times when I am in God's Word, praying, and I feel like I am invincible and more than a conqueror. In those times I hold fast to every promise in God's Word. In times like these though, I am glad I can fall on God's grace and say sorry to him and ask him to pull me through when I don't have the strength to do it on my own. His grace is enough and will always be enough when we neglect him or seem to pull away a little bit. The great thing about God is that we can come back to him and he treats us like we were never gone. He is an amazing Daddy and I am glad he holds no grudges, no record of wrongs, or a list of my shortcomings.

Hero

In today's culture, we throw around the word hero so loosely. We attach it to sports figures, singers, or hollywood. More times than not, those personalities let us down and don't ever fulfill the true definition of "hero". Hero means courage under fire, self-sacrifice, forsaking all the world's success to achieve the goal our God has laid before us. Some biblical characters: Stephen, the first martyr, David who stood up to the giant, Abraham who stood on his faith, Rahab, who put her life in jeopardy to protect God's people, John the Baptist gave up comfort to preach in the desert. Modern day heroes are Jim Elliot who was martyred for preaching the Gospel in Ecuador, Chareles Wesley who led a grace rebellion in the late 1700s, William Seymore, who birthed the AG by seeking God 24/7. Heroes are also Dads who are spiritual leaders of their homes, love their kids and their wife, Moms who support their husbands and take care of the home, students who sacrifice popularity, acceptance, and fame because they are more concerned with what Jesus thinks. I will know I fit the term "hero" when I stand before Jesus and He says, "well done my good and faithful servant". When I hear those words every thing I am in a person, father, husband, son, employee, leader, and friend will be labeled successful. That is the hero I want to be and that is what I want to emulate in those I look up to on this earth. Make me more like my ultimate hero, Jesus Christ.